I will be honest, today was a horrible day. I've been really tired all week and just not myself and so with it being friday after a workout at the gym, I decided that I would indulge in Starbucks. Now the Christmas cups came out (YAY) and so did the Christmas drinks, and on a day like today all I wanted was some comfort, something to make me feel like home. I walk into Starbucks and boom like I hit a wall I realize....duh duh duhhhhh they don't serve peppermint mochas in Korea. My options are some cherry thing and a toffee nut latte....both might be good but not what I need or want so what do I do? After I order my usual chai latte I have a slight panic attack, all because of a peppermint mocha yes but really for other reasons and I will explain.
See I have many faults (shocking to hear I know) but I do and although I make no effort to get rid of them I like to think that my trick is knowing that I have them and how to understand them. One thing that I love to do is think I'm Superwoman and that I can be everywhere and do everything. Now I'm not really sure if this trait is a pro or con, maybe both. No matter how much I know that I shouldn't put so much pressure on myself and need to let things go I can't. Now with being away, I have become masochistic and have been making myself feel guilt for missing things and being absent and becoming this spectator in my own life. It was today that I received a piece of news from home, something that I wish I heard in person and not through email...something that has caused many people I care about alot of pain and will for a long time and something that has made my entire body ache for a hug from someone impossible to reach. Like I said, it was a bad day, and in a foreign city far away from everyone who makes you feel whatever it is you need to feel...something other then total numbness. See I knew that being away for a year meant missing the good, but also the bad...the things that I should want to miss because its easier. Today I wanted to be home, I wanted to get away to somewhere that felt like home, but what would that really change anyways? I hate hearing about things that happen at home because I just want to be there, just to be there and do what I can to make it better. But as much as I need to be in control, to feel like I can help and fix a situation I can't fix a person and can't change the bad things that happen no matter how much I try.
Today in the middle of my class while teaching a lesson I zoned out completely and fully lost my train of thought. My students probably thought I was crazy or drunk, who knows really since they just laugh at everything I do or stare at me. But during that moment of blankness I realized what I am really doing here, in Korea, so far away. If you want the Cliffs Notes version of why people come to Korea then you will hear the "I want to live abroad, I want to travel, I want to teach blah blah blah" it's bullshit....no one's really shallow enough to have such a simple reason for being here, for moving to the other side of the world to emmerse yourself in a culture and place so different from home and challenge yourself like this....all the people who answer that way and truly mean it have probably gone home by now and wouldn't last too long. It isn't tough here, it's not complicated but it's an adjustment. My answer to the million dollar question goes much deeper then all that, it has roots and some substance. My dear friend Laura who I love had a beautiful baby boy last year, Brody, who is turning one soon and I couldn't be a prouder and happier pseudo aunt if I tired. You seriously can not find anyone not directly related to this child who talks about him as much as I do, you'd think he was mine and I've actually been asked many times if the child in my pictures at my desk, on my phone and at home is mine lol, please note we look nothing alike :) Anyways back to the point of this story....before Laura found out she was pregnant (even though deep down she knew she already was) she promised herself that if she wasn't she would travel, go to Australia and do the things she hadn't done. Ofcourse she was pregnant and was so blessed with Brody and I think that all of our lives are better for it :) She's made me believe in an eternal and unbreakable love for someone, the need to do anything and everything to make that person happy even if its mere minutes. I will never forget when Laura told me this story because it was the only time that someone was actually to unintentionally pinpoint my reason for wanting to come here. Yes ofcourse I want to travel, I've always wanted to live abroad specifically in Asia and learn about a new culture but what I really wanted was to challenge myself. I needed to prove that I wasn't all talk and actually could do something on my own without my family and friends but really do it for them instead. I never wanted to regret not coming here because at the end of the day whether my experience was awful or amazing, atleast I tried and I did my best right. I wanted to push myself to my own personal limits of isolation, or emmersion, of the unknown and do something that I will probably never have another chance to do again. I wanted to do this for people who can't, more specifically for friends like Laura, for my parents, for my brother, for all my very best friends and for Katie now too.
The only way to truly appreciate somethings value is to distance yourself from it for awhile.....even though I have only been gone for a short time I see this for the first time. It takes thousands of miles and an ocean to make me realize what's right infront of me but atleast I have and I know what's waiting for me when I get home...the good and the bad. I will never forget where I come from, I couldn't because it's my home, my family, but for now I am here in Seoul and I'm happy. Some days are better than others but they're all my days, days where I'm learning and loving life and couldn't feel more blessed to be exactly where I am.
So all of this, the scattering in my brain and the aching in my body, all because of a peppermint mocha, or lack there of....but I'm glad they don't have peppermint mochas here anyways, another reason for me to be home next year when the Christmas drinks are once again out :)
Until next time,
janey xo
